I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
