I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
