Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
