Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
There's always time for handjobs
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
