Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
