Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize