Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I supernannyed him into submission
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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