Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
