you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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