This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
