I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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