I faked an abortion last night.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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