Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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