on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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