how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
