I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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