Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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