Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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