I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you would pick up someone in the library
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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