Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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