mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
