Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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