If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
my poor anus
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
