i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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