On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
