He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
