it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
