matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
