I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
