Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
