just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
