I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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