My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Randomize
