my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
