You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
