but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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