just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
