Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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