literally had 100 drinks last night.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
