Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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