forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
