i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
