Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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