Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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