U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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