Soap is not a condiment
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
