In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We have so much sex to catch up on
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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