It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
