Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize