i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
