The maid of honor just puked.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Text me some of your sweat
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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