today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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