Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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