Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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