Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
