I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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