I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
