I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
