it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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