hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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