I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
