And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
